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I Am
Always In Your Midst
by Edith Stein
(Teresa Benedicta of the Cross)
For December 7, 1940, Feast of St.
Ambrose:
Ambrose (kneeling in his room before the opened
Holy Scriptures):
- Now the last one is gone. I thank you, O
Lord,
- For this quiet hour in the night.
- You know how much I like to serve your
flock;
- I want to be a good shepherd to your
lambs,
- That's why this door is open day and
night,
- And anyone can enter unannounced.
- Oh, how much suffering and bitter need is
brought in here
- The burden becomes almost too great for this
father's heart.
- But you, my God, you surely know our
weakness
- And at the right time remove the yoke from
our shoulders.
- You give me rest, and from this book,
- The holy book, you speak to me
- And pour new strength into my soul.
(He opens it, makes a great sign of the cross,
and begins to read silently.)
Augustine (appears in the door and remains
standing, hesitant):
- He is alone I could go to him
- And let him know the struggles of my
heart.
- But he is speaking with his God,
- Seeking rest and refreshment in the
Scriptures
- After a long day's work and care.
- Oh no, I'll not disturb him.
- I'll kneel down a little here;
- Then I'll surely take something of his peace
with me.
(He kneels.)
Ambrose (looks up):
- What was that? Didn't I hear a rustling at
the door?
(He gets up.)
- Come closer, friend, you who come at
night.
- In the dark I cannot see who you are.
(He goes to the door with the lamp.)
- Is it possible? Augustine? Peace be with
you!
- You dear, infrequent guest, please do come
in.
(He takes him by the hand, leads him in, shows
him a seat, and sits down facing him.)
Augustine:
- Oh, how your goodness shames me, holy
man!
- I really have not earned such a
welcome.
Ambrose:
- Don't you remember how happily I greeted
you
- When you stood here before me for the first
time?
- You, the star of oratory
- That stirred Carthage to amazement,
- That did not even find its match in
Rome,
- I was happy to see
- Within the confines of my Milan.
Augustine:
- Oh, if you had only seen into my heart!
- I wasn't worthy to be seen by you.
Ambrose:
- I saw you often when I spoke to the
people.
- Your burning eye hung on my lips.
Augustine:
- Your mouth overflowed with heavenly
wisdom.
- But I was not interested in wisdom.
- I did not come for wisdom.
- I only heard how you put together the
words;
- Only an orator's magic power attracted
me.
- That, what you spoke Christ's holy
doctrine
- I wasn't eager to know, it seemed like
vanity to me,
- Already refuted by my teachers long
ago.
- But while I listened to the words
alone,
- I was drawn I hardly noticed it into the
meaning.
- One word of Scripture oft repeated
- Deeply affected me and gave me much to think
about:
- "The letter deadens," you said, "The spirit
gives life."
- When the Manichæans laughed over the
Word of Christ,
- Was not this because those fools
- Only understood what they were reading
literally,
- While the spirit remained sealed to
them?
Ambrose:
- But the Holy Spirit's ray fell on you.
- Thank him who freed you from error's
chains,
- And thank her, too, who interceded for
you.
- O Augustine, thank God for your mother.
- She is your angel before the eternal
throne;
- Her commerce is in heaven, and her
petitions
- Fall, like steady drops, heavily into the
bowl
- Of compassion.
Augustine:
- Yes, I surely know what would I have become
without her?
- Oh, how many hot tears did I cost her,
- I, her unfaithful son, who really don't
deserve it!
Ambrose:
- Therefore, she now weeps sweet tears of
joy,
- And she is richly rewarded for all her
suffering.
Augustine:
- She already wept tears of joy when she
perceived
- That I had escaped the Manichæan
net.
- I was still deep in night, tormented by
doubts.
- But she assured me optimistically
- That the day of peace was now no longer far
away.
- While still alive, she was to see me
entirely safe.
Ambrose:
- The Lord himself probably gave her
certainty.
- Her firm faith did not mislead her.
Augustine:
- But I still had a long way to go.
- My teaching post had become unbearable for
me.
- The frivolous game of the orator's art
rankled me.
- I sought truth, and I no longer desired to
waste
- The spirit of my youth in colorful
pretense.
- From Milan I fled into isolation.
- My spirit brooded in unrest.
Ambrose:
- I waited here for you how much I wanted
- With God's help to guide you to the
harbor!
Augustine:
- Oh, how often I stood here on this
threshold!
- You did not see. There came crowds of
people
- Who sought help from the good shepherd.
- I looked on for a little while and then
silently went away.
- At times I also came upon you alone, like
today,
- Immersed in the study of your beloved
books.
- Then I did not risk shortening your meager
rest.
- I knelt here a little near you
- And discreetly slipped away. Today,
too,
- It would have happened thus if you had not
discovered me.
Ambrose:
- Thank my angel who led my eye to you.
- But tell me now what brought you here.
Augustine:
- I already wrote you that God's ray lit on
me.
- Before my eyes stood all the misery of my
life.
- It choked me, clamped my chest,
- I could no longer breathe at home
- And fled out into the open.
- In the garden I sought a quiet place,
- Fled into the presence of the faithful
friend himself.
- Finally, a stream of tears burst forth.
- Then from a neighbor's house there urged
itself on me
- A child's voice singing clearly.
- I heard the words, "Take and read."
- Again and again it rang in my ears
- As children endlessly repeat.
- But to me it comes from another world:
- It is the call of the Lord! I leap up
- And rush to Alypius who is still sitting and
thinking.
- The book lies beside him where I was reading
it.
- I open it. There stands for me the
instruction;
- I found it clear in the Apostle's word:
- "Give up feasting and carousing at
last,
- Arise from the bed of soft sensory
lust.
- Renounce all the contention of frivolous
ambition.
- Look instead at Jesus Christ, the
Lord."
- Then the night receded, and day began
- I took to the road in the presence of the
Lord,
- My friend Alypius hand in hand with me.
Ambrose:
- Thank God, who had mercy on you!
- How wonderful are your ways, Lord!
Augustine:
- I wrote to you and asked for your
advice.
- You recommended to me a good teacher.
- In the prophecy of Isaiah I found
- The servant of God, the lamb, that suffered
for us.
- And things grew brighter and brighter in my
eyes.
- We did not rush, yet let us now speak to
you
- In longing and in humility:
- Lead us to the baptismal font and wash us
clean.
Ambrose:
- Oh, bless you, my beloved son!
- There is no one whom I have led with greater
joy
- To the holy bath that gives new life.
- Come soon and bring me your faithful
friend.
Augustine:
- There is yet a third person whom we are
leading to you:
- Adeodatus, my beloved child.
- No doubt a child of sin through my
fault;
- But now the child of grace through God's
goodness.
- He is a youth, almost still a boy in
years,
- But with more wisdom than his father.
- He brings the Lord an undefiled heart,
- And it is pure hearts who see God.
Ambrose:
- So soon a thrice-blessed day will beam for
us.
- O Augustine, don't look back into the dark
anymore.
- Before me now radiant lies your path.
- The light that God ignited in your
heart,
- Will shine brightly into the farthest
times,
- The whole church will be filled with
it.
- And countless hearts will be inflamed
- By the love consuming your great heart.
- Oh look with me up to the throne
- Of the thrice Holy One!
- Don't you hear the choir of holy
spirits?
- They sing their holy songs of praise
- Full of thanks in inexpressibly great
joy,
- Because the lost son has found his way to
the Father.
(Both stand listening; then Ambrose
intones:)
Ambrose:
- Te Deum...
Augustine (sings the second half-verse, then
alternately together with the invisible
choirs.)
Copyright ICS
Publications. Reprinted
by permission from ICS Publications, 2131 Lincoln
Road, NE, Washington, DC 20002, USA (phone:
202-832-8489 or 800-832-8489; fax: 202-832-8967).
Maintained by the Austrian Province of the Teresian
Carmel.
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Philosophy
of Psychology and the Humanities, by Edith
Stein
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