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July
9, 2008
Roll Over,
Bark, and Beg
Fertilizer
for the Pansy Bed
by Fred Reed
Oh god. There is no hope.
The other day I glanced at the web site of the
Lake
Chapala Society, a social club of sorts for
expats around Mexico's Lake Chapala, an hour south
of Guadalajara (where I live). Clicking on
"Safety," I found a long list of reasons why you
should never, ever use a firearm to protect your
home and family. No. See, you might miss, or be
scared, or the intruders might take it away and
shoot you, and they might be all mad and hurt you
when all they wanted was your television. No, the
best thing is to let them do what they want, and
then maybe they won't do anything bad to you.
This supposedly was written by a retired cop
but, if so, he (or quite possible she, judging by
the tone) doesn't sound like any cop I have known,
which is whole
lots.. Anyway, his, her, or its advice, is
"Leave the guns to people who are trained and
prepared to use them." Which he says he is.
Nuts. To begin with, cops usually know little
about guns. They get a bit of training in the
police academy, and then once or twice a year go to
the range to fire a couple of magazines. Being
actually good with a pistol requires putting tens
of thousands of rounds downrange. Street shooting,
which is what cops do in the unlikely event that
they do any shooting at all, requires training of
the sort offered by IPSC or, years back, Jeff
Cooper and Chuck Taylor.
A few cops will learn on their own. When I went
to shoot at the NRA range on Waples Mill Road in
northern Virginia, I saw an occasional dedicated
cop. But police departments don't engage in real
training because it costs a lot, takes a lot of
time, and just isn't worth it. The average cop
never fires his weapon in line of duty. It serves
chiefly as a badge of authority.
Smith (I'll call him or her) implies further
that no one who isn't a cop knows how to use a
pistol. He needs to get out more. In the small-town
South of my boyhood, everybody had guns. We used
them for hunting, for shooting varmints, and for
plinking. My father gave me my first rifle when I
was eleven in Athens, Alabama. In high school in
Virginia, the first day of deer season was a school
holiday because the teachers knew they boys would
all be in the woods. When I was fifteen, friends
and I often went to the dump in Colonial Beach at
night to snap-shoot rats.
I later went to a federal fire-arms school at
Parris Island in South Carolina. You may have heard
of it. So did hundreds of thousands of other kids.
The emphasis was on deadly force. At Camp Lejeune
we did fire-and-maneuver with live ammo. (Also
flamethrowers and 3.5" rocket launchers, though I
do not recommend these for home defense.) If Smith
were to check the number of men who have gone
through the Army or Marines, he would find that
very large numbers of people have had training in
the use of firearms.
But what I dislike most about Smith's advice is
his advocacy of helpless passivity. It embodies a
profound change in American attitudes, which once
favored self-reliance. Now it's reliance on the
group. Don't take primary responsibility for your
defense. No, that would be violent, or scary, or
macho, and all. No, let the criminals do whatever
they want with you, rely on their merciful natures,
and call 911 if you survive.
This is exactly what Smith advocates. If I were
a criminal, I would love this guy.
His advice is bad. He says, correctly enough,
that most intruders want chiefly to steal things.
Think a little. At two a.m., you hear a noise and
turn on the lights. You find two guys with knives.
You can now identify them. They have knives. Focus
on this point. Knives, and you can identify them.
Do you see where this leads?
If they leave you alive, you will call the cops
immediately after they leave. They know this. If
they tie you up, well, you are tied up in the
presence of two career criminals with knives. This
may work for Smith, but I'll pass. It just isn't
optimal. If they leave you conscious and tied, you
will begin shrieking for the neighbors as soon as
they leave. The neighbors will call the cops -- and
you can identify the intruders.
In the real world, criminals are not always
interested only in your television. They will
accept such side benefits as offer. This engenders
fascinating situations. They discover your daughter
of sixteen in her bedroom. "Hey, little girl,
you're real cute. Let's get a better look. Take
those pajamas off." You get to watch. They may or
may not choose to leave witnesses.
If you think these things don't happen,
regularly, you have never been a policeman in a big
city. A friend of mine, a Chicago cop, tells of
arriving at the scene of a break-in. The intruders
had beaten the man unconscious and, among other
things they did to her, bitten the woman's nipples
off. Literally.
I remember going one night to a hospital with a
DC cop to interview a rape victim of fifteen. She
was screaming, sobbing, choking, the doctors trying
to sedate her. Messed up for life. Smith is right:
Don't have a firearm in the house. It might make
them mad. They just want your TV, see.
In Virginia to get a concealed-carry permit, you
attend a mandatory class on how to use a pistol.
One of the instructors when I did it was a (very
competent) female agent of the FBI. She talked to
the class, some of whom were women, about rape. She
made the obvious point that very few women have the
slightest chance of fending off a two-hundred pound
deviate perhaps armed with a knife. A small
concealed-hammer revolver, fired maybe through a
coat pocket, can easily be handled by a woman of
ninety pounds. Studies show that a rapist who has
been shot several times loses ardor. We're talking
way beyond Viagra.
What is true of intruders is that they don't
want a firefight. When you rack a round into the
chamber of a semi-auto, the sound is unmistakable
and means only one thing: Someone is preparing to
fire. You have to want a television very badly to
go against someone who audibly is planning to kill
you and audibly has the means.
You can do as Smith wants -- let them do it,
whatever it is, and then call a qualified
professional. Or you can shoot the sons of bitches.
Your choice. I don't care.
Reed
Archive
Copyright 2008 by Fred Reed and reproduced here by
permission of the author.
About
the Author (by the author):
Fred Reed is a Marine combat veteran, police
reporter, amateur biochemist, former long-haul
hitchhiker, and part-time sociopath living in
Mexico. Fred, a keyboard mercenary with a
disorganized past, has worked on staff for Army
Times, The Washingtonian, Soldier of Fortune,
Federal Computer Week, and The Washington
Times. He has been published in Playboy,
Soldier of Fortune, The Wall Street Journal, The
Washington Post, Harper's, National Review, Signal,
Air&Space, and suchlike. He has worked as a
police writer, technology editor, military
specialist, and authority on mercenary soldiers. He
is by all accounts as looney as a tune.
Visit the "Fred
on Everything" website to read his previous
columns and sign up for his regular e-mail
feature.
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The essays in A Brass Pole in
Bangkok, are sometimes wildly funny,
sometimes deadly serious, always merciless
in their unmasking of the pretenses and
charlatans of society. Fred, a former
Marine, subscribes to no ideology ("an
ideology is just a systematic way of
misunderstanding the world") but
exuberantly wreaks havoc on practically
everything, and delights in everything
else: the psychotherapy swindle, squalling
feminists, race racketeers, damn fool
wars, red-light districts in Asia, and
tequila fests in Mexico, where he
lives.
A
Brass Pole in Bangkok: A Thing I Aspire To
Be, by Fred Reed
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Buy Fred's new reprehensible book,
Nekkid In Austin! Another
collection of Fred's collected outrages,
irresponsible ravings, and curmudgeonry
from "Fred On Everything" and some
innocent magazines that, he says,
foolishly published him. Wildly funny,
sometimes wacky, always provocative essays
on the collapse of America.
Nekkid
in Austin: Drop Your Inner Child Down a
Well, by Fred Reed
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