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December
27, 2008
Into a
Parallel Universe: Dive Log
by Fred Reed
The world is indeed too much with us, late and
soon. We have too many contracts and iPods and too
little time or calm for looking about. One readily
forgets this amid blatting buses and blowing
exhaust and sprinting for the subway, amid bills
and commercials and forms to fill. Yet still there
are things other than elections and recessions,
maybe things even more important, certainly things
that have been around longer than we have or will
be.
Some years back I was on a scuba trip to the
Caribbean with Capital Divers, my then dive club
out of Washington. I forget just where we were. We
made these trips annually for several years and
they blur together. The club usually chartered one
of those 125-foot or so specialized dive boats and
spent most of our time underwater. Dive, burgers,
beer, sleep, dive. Bright sun, blue water,
explosion of bubbles as you stepped off the dive
deck and finned at ten feet to the anchor line.
Cool water leaking into wetsuits and running down
your spine. More bursts of bubbles with a diver
magically materializing from within.
One day we swam along a deep wall at 120 feet,
maybe fifteen of us, the sea dropping below us to
blue-black night and the wall colorless in the
crepuscular dimness of depth. It was deeper than a
basic instructor would recommend, but Cap Divers
was a bit of a cowboy outfit, and everyone was
experienced. Curling misshapen growths of deep
water projected from the rock like tangled ropes
and distorted cups in some nightmarish basement.
The only sounds were the slow
ssssssss-wubbawubba of breath and exhaust
and the locationless clicking of arthropods.
A curious relaxation comes over you at such
times, a sense of not mattering at all to the sea,
of the world as an older and bigger place than
Washington or even New York, of detachment from
fizzing little wars of columnists and from pols and
polls. Call it a salubrious triviality. If I could
bottle the feeling, drug markets would wither
overnight.
In a hundred thousand years, if we do not manage
to poison the seas, the deep walls will not have
changed. That is a long time, longer even than the
life span of the most august of brokerage houses.
Permanent we are not, and will not be noticed in
the long span of time. A soothing thought,
that.
Those droning nature shows on television say
that the ocean is hostile to man. I think it is
not, though it is a bad place to make mistakes. The
ocean is a huge, huge world that doesn't care about
us, isn't interested, has other things to do. You
see documentaries that try to make sharks sound
dreadful. In fact they do not seem to regard as
food a weird humpbacked creature with one big eye
and emitting bubbles. In murky water they will
sometimes make a run at a diver and then veer off
when they see what it is they were attacking. Few
creatures underwater are hostile to people. Yes,
odd things swim or flap or drift by, but usually
pay no attention. They have their agendas, and we
have ours.
You can wonder what God or Darwin had in mind.
Whatever goes on at corporate, it is well above our
pay grade.
I forget who I was buddied up with, but she
stopped and hung, fascinated, with her mask over a
big barrel sponge. A small diver could crawl into
some of these things. She motioned me over. In the
glow of dive lights I saw a bright red arrow crab
sheltering. At that depth a dive light makes
everything it touches burst into color as if you
were throwing paint at it. Color gets filtered out
rapidly as you descend, leaving only a wan lifeless
blue. It turns the growth on walls to ugly and dark
grays and browns.
The beastie was built like an aspirin tablet
with great long jointed legs, a daddy longlegs of
the ocean. It stalked slowly about, puzzled by our
lights I suppose. I wondered what it thought it was
doing, or we were doing. Seeing these odd
confections at home is not like seeing them on
television, with some tedious voice-major reading
fourth-grade platitudes about mysteries he doesn't
begin to understand. He doesn't even know that they
are mysteries. Maybe we spend too much time in the
suburbs.
The sea is a dead world, though living. In a
forest you can imagine communing with the deer or
squirrels or having a pet bird sit on your
shoulder. The land is our world. The sea isn't.
Fish swim slowly by, eyes cold and devoid of
thought, of anything we would grasp. Few things can
be as dull and empty, as stupid, as the eyes of
fish, though news anchors come close. For untold
millions of years they -- the fish -- have done
this, and will. I do not think that even a
renegotiation of NAFTA can change it.
Below a hundred feet you don't have much time
before your computer squeaks warnings about going
into decompression tables. With single tanks we
didn't have air enough for deco stops and anyway it
is tedious spending half an hour hanging of a
down-line. We were starting to drift our way upward
when they came by, three of them: Big dark rays,
flying in formation. Their wingspan may have been
four feet. It is hard to tell with the magnifying
effect of water. People describe rays as oceanic
bats, as flying bathmats, but these don't catch the
smooth rippling flexing flap of soft chilly flesh.
A marine biologist would class them as
elasmobranches, in-laws of sharks, the clinical
jargon giving an impression of infinite
understanding. The marine biologist would be wrong.
Rays are
God knows what, but nothing
Greco-latinate.
We had all seen rays before, but this was
prettier, a privilege, and we knew it. I cannot
explain how anything so ugly as a ray can be so
lovely, but they manage it. I have heard them
called devil fish by people of the surface, but
they are as ominous as potatoes. They passed us,
graceful, fast, as if going somewhere with a
purpose in mind. And disappeared. We chased them a
bit, knowing the futility but doing it anyway. A
garden slug might as profitably chase a whippet. I
felt like a mouse in a computer room: Something was
going on, but it wasn't my business.
We stared -- programmers, GS-14s, journalists,
graduate students, all the detritus of Washington
-- and resumed our ascent. Our computers were
becoming importunate. Underwater, one does not
ignore computers.
Reed
Archive
Copyright 2008 by Fred Reed and reproduced here by
permission of the author.
About
the Author (by the author):
Fred Reed is a Marine combat veteran, police
reporter, amateur biochemist, former long-haul
hitchhiker, and part-time sociopath living in
Mexico. Fred, a keyboard mercenary with a
disorganized past, has worked on staff for Army
Times, The Washingtonian, Soldier of Fortune,
Federal Computer Week, and The Washington
Times. He has been published in Playboy,
Soldier of Fortune, The Wall Street Journal, The
Washington Post, Harper's, National Review, Signal,
Air&Space, and suchlike. He has worked as a
police writer, technology editor, military
specialist, and authority on mercenary soldiers. He
is by all accounts as looney as a tune.
Visit the "Fred
on Everything" website to read his previous
columns and sign up for his regular e-mail
feature.
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The essays in A Brass Pole in
Bangkok, are sometimes wildly funny,
sometimes deadly serious, always merciless
in their unmasking of the pretenses and
charlatans of society. Fred, a former
Marine, subscribes to no ideology ("an
ideology is just a systematic way of
misunderstanding the world") but
exuberantly wreaks havoc on practically
everything, and delights in everything
else: the psychotherapy swindle, squalling
feminists, race racketeers, damn fool
wars, red-light districts in Asia, and
tequila fests in Mexico, where he
lives.
A
Brass Pole in Bangkok: A Thing I Aspire To
Be, by Fred Reed
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Buy Fred's new reprehensible book,
Nekkid In Austin! Another
collection of Fred's collected outrages,
irresponsible ravings, and curmudgeonry
from "Fred On Everything" and some
innocent magazines that, he says,
foolishly published him. Wildly funny,
sometimes wacky, always provocative essays
on the collapse of America.
Nekkid
in Austin: Drop Your Inner Child Down a
Well, by Fred Reed
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